#askingforafriend

Is it bad form to take all the Marriott points and book a solo trip to the South of France on what would have been our anniversary? Because it's the 4th of July and I can't imagine a world in which I will be able to spend it in America ever again.

#askingforafriend

You Left Today

You just said goodbye and walked out the door. And I honestly don't know if I will ever see you in person again. 

You clearly didn't want to talk to me today. You didn't come home last night at all. 

I thought we could say a goodbye that meant something. But damn, you really don't want me. I wanted you so much, just one last time. All week long, even in the face of clear absence of feeling on your part, I couldn't stop wanting you. 

Alas, I guess, it wasn't meant to be. 

So I'll wish you safe travels, bon voyage, peace, and happiness. 

I do love you. And I will miss you. 

And Now You've Stopped Talking to Me

An open letter to my husband since he won't talk to me anymore:

I'm sorry that you don't want to keep talking. But it feels like I haven't been able to say the things I want to say. And you're leaving tomorrow and you're not even here right now so I don't know when I'm ever going to get the chance again. I don't know what's happening, you haven't finished the divorce papers you were so concerned about two weeks ago, and we may never be in the same place again if you have your way. I can't be the person who keeps crying over this so I'm just saying it all here so you don't have to listen to me. And then I can stop wishing I'd said all the things I keep thinking.

I get that anything I say won't make a difference. You don't love me... you're angry... you blame me... you don't think our marriage can be fixed. Believe me, you've made that ABUNDANTLY clear. Please don't think I'm not hearing you say that you don't love me. That you're not happy. That you can't be with other people while being married to me. That this divorce is important to you so you can move on. 

But you asked why I keep trying to talk? It's because I love you. And you might think we're just saying the same things over and over. But I was trying to get you to understand how I feel. I'd love for you to feel the same way about me. I hate that I've become this person, wishing you would see me, love me, want to be with me. But you don't. I get that. I hear you.

I hope one day you'll be less angry at me for your unhappiness. I'm sorry that you felt I yelled at you. I hope you will see that I was upset that you didn't communicate with me. That I felt you didn't value my opinion or respect me as an equal partner in our marriage, so I was hurt. You stopped wanting me and that hurt me. But I reject your premise that we are un-fixable. Because we are not broken beyond repair until we've actually tried to fix us and failed. I don't think it's fair that you get to check a box on a form that says we're un-fixable without giving it a try. And expect me to be okay with it. To divide everything in half and walk away and don't look back. Like it's nothing. Like our shared history doesn't warrant more than that.

I'd just love for it not to be so easy for you to get rid of me. Marriage is work. People change. You're supposed to want the other person to grow and change. You're supposed to have lives and interests outside of the marriage. You're supposed to be individuals and a couple. You're supposed to love each other enough.

I don't understand when you stopped loving me and I know that I can't make you love me, but I wish you had cared enough to talk to me before you gave up on us. You did stop loving me, I understand I can't change how you feel. And I can cancel plans and I can deal with broken promises and broken dreams, and I can pick up all the pieces and move on. I get that I don't have a choice, but I don't have to like it.

At the end of the day, I wish we had one last good memory. One last happy time together. The chance to part as friends. That it didn't have to end like this. But there's nothing I can do about that now so I guess the bad will just always overshadow the good. Which is too bad all things considered, but I guess it's just how life plays out for us.

I love you...
Me

#someday...

Someday I hope my kids realize that I tried. That I stayed for so long so they could have opportunities. Because I love them. 

That I don't regret being married. Because I love you. 

That you are a hard person to live with and that I smoothed the road for them. That I took a lot of crap. That I was put down and belittled and I thought it was okay.

That it wasn't okay. 

You're Posting Things About Marriage?

Yesterday your Facebook post was a bunch of funny memes about marriage? WTAF?!

I had a friend call and comment about how funny it was. And then I had to tell her it's actually beyond bizarre that you posted it based on your current feelings.

So I have officially told one friend what is going on. And now I'm off to ugly-cry in the shower all over again. 

I'm Beginning to Hate Myself

No judgement please, but I am beginning to hate myself. 

Why?

For crying. All the time.

For being so hurt when my husband obviously is not.

For staying in the marriage all this time with someone who obviously doesn't love me.

For wanting things to be different.

For being the person I hope my daughter never is.

It's Been a Week of Crying in the Shower

Not gonna lie, 2020 still sucks. It's been a week of crying in the shower. I have talked to NO ONE. Literally NO ONE. I've gone social media silent. Friends are wondering if I'm alive. The only people that know what it going on in my life are my husband, myself, and the kids. Yes, he took it upon himself to tell the kids that their parents are getting a divorce, and that it was mutual [FYI I discovered the part about him telling them it was "mutual" a few weeks later]. 

I still have to work, and have been in Arizona getting ready to present seminars. I have had to get the presentations together, while dealing with this life-altering shock, and trying to take care of my daughter too. I have no friends down here. I just can't bring myself to believe that this is real, that he wants a divorce and we can't work through this. I have had to put on a brave face and pretend that I'm not completely broken.

But it is so hard right now. I cry all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. In the shower. Sitting on the floor of the closet. Sitting in my car. I am barely holding it together to be functional enough to do my job. Which I have to go and travel around Arizona and do for the next few days. So before I get a three day distraction from my life, here is where I'm at.

Husband and I have had several conversations... that usually involve me crying and him saying he just doesn't love me any more. I wish this would make me stop loving him, but it doesn't. Here's a few of the things that he has said, with (my response in parenthesis). All of the following re-created from notes I typed into my phone as it was happening:

You say that I never talk to you about us? (I TRIED. Multiple times. I asked about the future and where you saw us going. And what your plans were. And I never got an answer. I have tried for months to get you to tell me if we had a future. If I should give up on us).

You don't like how I've changed since we got married. (We were children when we got married. Literal babies. People change, marriages grow, you should want the other person to continue to grow). 

You say we've grown apart and that we don't have anything in common, or any shared interests [just wait a few weeks folks, this is going to come back around]. I won't go workout with you so therefore it means I don't want to spend any time with you or do things with you? (When was the last time you asked what I'd like to do? When was the last time you invited me to do anything with you? When have you done anything I wanted to do or gone anywhere I wanted to?) 

We don't do anything together? (Because we don't live in the same place right now. Holy fuck, how are we supposed to do anything together?!)

You say you're not happy. That you tried to make things better. (Well, I'm going to have to ask when and how you tried to make things better, because I'm not remembering these times). You need to be happy, and you can't see other people while you are still married to me. You never wanted to live in Hawaii. You are probably having a mid-life crisis. You're sorry that you ruined my plans. And that maybe in a year you'll realize that you were wrong and then who knows. [OMG, you did not just say this.]

And when I'm not staring at you face-to-face trying not to cry, here is more coherent version of what I wanted to say:

YOU NEVER SAID YOU WERE SO UNHAPPY. Why not? You're so depressed you can't get off the couch? Why haven't you gotten help?
Why don't you even want to try? Why does this divorce have to be so fast? Did you really fall out of love with me?

You asked me if I was happy? You asked me why would I want to stay married to someone who didn't want me? And here's my answer... because I love you. You are my past, my future, and everything in between. You are literally my entire life, and the dreams I had of a life together. I want so much to be loved by you. I want you to love me enough to fight for me, for us. I want it not be so easy for you to walk away. 

#askingforafriend

Have decided to institute #askingforafriend Fridays. Just a quick question each week to let you know what I'm thinking about. Feel free to comment... snark and sarcasm always welcome.

How long do you think until I stop crying in the shower?

#askingforafriend

My Response

I still cannot process what has happened here. Nothing makes any sense.

WHY is he in such a hurry to get this divorce?
WHY does he get to say that we are broken beyond repair when he's not willing to work with me to fix us?
WHY doesn't he love me enough to try?

Here's what I wish I'd said at the time:

There are many things you said and did last night that I'm sure someday I will wish I had circled back to and had an actual discussion about. And to be honest, there are several things which I may not actually move past. And it obviously doesn't even matter any more.

But when you said that you had hoped things would be better??? I'm confused how I would ever know that. You ignore me, except to send curt texts. We haven't lived in the same place for months. You don't talk to me about anything and you make decisions without my input. You don't ever indicate that you are unhappy, or that you wanted things to be better. And if that is the case, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO TRY AND MAKE THINGS BETTER?

You're mad at me for many things apparently and yet you don't actually talk to me or ask me. You simply blame and belittle. I was actually prepared for you to ask for a divorce at some point because I have had two friends of ours (who don't know each other) tell me that you told them we were getting a divorce. That feels great... thanks. And when you finally have the courage to tell me yourself, it's in a text. A TEXT. While you're sitting in the next room. A text which includes plans you have clearly already made and discussions you have already had with your brother.

There are many things I could say, and probably more than a few that I should say. But you made it abundantly clear that you just want to divide it all up and be done. And I just can't even right now. 

We have been together for 33 YEARS, and married for almost 28 of those. And you just want to throw it all away. I'm not gonna lie, that makes me sad. And wildly disappointed. In us. But mostly in you.

He Texted Me He Wanted a Divorce

Yes folks, you read that correctly. My husband of almost 28 years was sitting in another room when he texted me that he wanted a divorce.

And this is what it said (spelling and grammar mostly corrected by me):
"I am having [realtor friend, name redacted to protect the innocent] do a market analysis on the house to figure out what it's actually worth/what it would sell for in its current state. I am going to get divorce papers ready to be filed. Was hoping things might get better but apparently not. They are getting worse in my opinion. You keep pushing me away and I'm sure you think I'm pushing you away.
Doesn't matter, we are beyond fixing at this point. I would hope you would agree to just splitting everything 50/50. Will save us a lot of money. Neither one of use want to sell the house but neither one of us can afford to buy it ourselves. So for now we'll just keep it and you can live in it and pay the mortgage, or we can sell it. But my brother said he'd help me buy you out. So you can go buy your own house wherever you want to be."

Well, isn't that a fine how-do-you-do?! WTAF?!

Yeah, so it took me a minute to process this text. And then I walked into the other room and lost my mind on him.

(I'm gonna save you most of that exchange, because as you will come to find out, I'm pretty sure most of the reasons he gave for actually wanting a divorce will turn out to be lies).

Before I give you the highlights of his reasons, let me tell you that our marriage was at a low point. I am not gonna lie. We were both to blame. We were living apart (a situation he created). He stopped sleeping with me, we had only had sex once in the last four months, we were angry at each other. I know that he was setting me up to take the fall for our marriage failing, and that he was making me out to be the villain of the family. I had conversations with friends about this actual topic. But I was trying to keep the peace all this time. And getting my youngest to graduation, when it would be just the two of us again, without any distractions.

And then, my hope was, he and I would have time to BREATHE. And focus on us again as a couple. And re-commit and work on our relationship. And do all the things we needed to do to find our way back to loving each other again.

Back in September I confronted him about the state of our marriage. We were actually together in the same house, but we weren't really talking about anything that mattered. I was desperate for him to SEE me, and I sent him the following text in the middle of the night. (Okay, so I see how this is a theme in our communication).
"This isn't a marriage. You have to know that. You don't want to be with me. You obviously don't need me. Do you even love me anymore? I'm sure you're asleep so I'm not going to get any answers anyway. And I don't even know why I'm texting. What good could possibly come from me hitting send? But I'm angry and sad and I guess I just need you to tell me if I should stop wishing for things to be different."

And then the next morning, he came into my bed and he made love to me. And he gave me hope that we could find our way back to each other. 

Four months later, he texts me that he wants a divorce. 

And these are his main reasons (edited for space):

1) We are irretrievably broken. There is no point in trying to reconcile, going to counseling, making an effort because we cannot be fixed. He had hoped that things would be better but they just aren't.
2) He is so depressed that he cannot get off the couch and he just needs to make a change so that he can find himself and be happy again.
3) He is unhappy, and he doesn't know what can make him happy but he has to be alone to figure it out.
4) And in direct contradiction of #3, he cannot move on with his life as long as he is married to me.
5) If we can both agree to everything, we can do an uncontested divorce and get this processed in 60 days.

So many more things were said, by both of us. 

My initial response? SHOCK AND DEVASTATION. 

He broke my heart. Broke it. I can't imagine a world in which I will ever be okay. And I definitely cannot process my response to any of this right now so that will be tomorrow's post.

In Which You Meet Me

Eight years ago I took to blogging to deal with a Stage III cancer diagnosis and everything that went with it. Several cancer-versaries later, I thought that life had thrown me all the curve balls that it was going to. 

WOW, was I wrong. What is it they say about best laid plans?

I'm actually writing this on the 1st of March, two months after my life got turned upside down. But I'm back-dating it on the blog so it's the first one you read. And the rest of the posts will catch you up.

So, just a little bit about me:

I'm a mother of two fabulous kiddos (son, age 22; daughter, age 17) and a grandmother to a totally adorable chunky monkey. I've been married to my high school sweetheart for almost 28 years, and we've been together for 33 years. I'm a teacher, total book nerd, and magical librarian to many. 

I'm a Stage III cancer survivor who realized that life is too short not to be happy and live your dreams. A Pacific NW girl at heart who left her people to move to Hawaii to live the dream. Because why not?!

I have survived cancer, addiction in the family, a house fire, bankruptcy, and all the ups and downs described in the "for better or for worse; for richer or for poorer; in sickness and in health" part of the marriage vows. 

I survived everything with the same person by my side all these years. He was my rock. I thought I'd get "til death do us part." I thought that person would be by my side forever. 

Has it always been rainbows and unicorns? Nope. Marriage is work and I don't think expecting to always be happy is realistic.

Do we always liked each other? Probably not.

Do we make each other angry? Sometimes.

But do I love him? I do.With all my heart. Life would be so much easier right now if I didn't.

Welcome to my life. And the worst year of it so far. I find myself broken... and broken-hearted. 

2020 sucks so far. 

It's the year my husband blindsided me by wanting a divorce.