And Now You've Stopped Talking to Me

An open letter to my husband since he won't talk to me anymore:

I'm sorry that you don't want to keep talking. But it feels like I haven't been able to say the things I want to say. And you're leaving tomorrow and you're not even here right now so I don't know when I'm ever going to get the chance again. I don't know what's happening, you haven't finished the divorce papers you were so concerned about two weeks ago, and we may never be in the same place again if you have your way. I can't be the person who keeps crying over this so I'm just saying it all here so you don't have to listen to me. And then I can stop wishing I'd said all the things I keep thinking.

I get that anything I say won't make a difference. You don't love me... you're angry... you blame me... you don't think our marriage can be fixed. Believe me, you've made that ABUNDANTLY clear. Please don't think I'm not hearing you say that you don't love me. That you're not happy. That you can't be with other people while being married to me. That this divorce is important to you so you can move on. 

But you asked why I keep trying to talk? It's because I love you. And you might think we're just saying the same things over and over. But I was trying to get you to understand how I feel. I'd love for you to feel the same way about me. I hate that I've become this person, wishing you would see me, love me, want to be with me. But you don't. I get that. I hear you.

I hope one day you'll be less angry at me for your unhappiness. I'm sorry that you felt I yelled at you. I hope you will see that I was upset that you didn't communicate with me. That I felt you didn't value my opinion or respect me as an equal partner in our marriage, so I was hurt. You stopped wanting me and that hurt me. But I reject your premise that we are un-fixable. Because we are not broken beyond repair until we've actually tried to fix us and failed. I don't think it's fair that you get to check a box on a form that says we're un-fixable without giving it a try. And expect me to be okay with it. To divide everything in half and walk away and don't look back. Like it's nothing. Like our shared history doesn't warrant more than that.

I'd just love for it not to be so easy for you to get rid of me. Marriage is work. People change. You're supposed to want the other person to grow and change. You're supposed to have lives and interests outside of the marriage. You're supposed to be individuals and a couple. You're supposed to love each other enough.

I don't understand when you stopped loving me and I know that I can't make you love me, but I wish you had cared enough to talk to me before you gave up on us. You did stop loving me, I understand I can't change how you feel. And I can cancel plans and I can deal with broken promises and broken dreams, and I can pick up all the pieces and move on. I get that I don't have a choice, but I don't have to like it.

At the end of the day, I wish we had one last good memory. One last happy time together. The chance to part as friends. That it didn't have to end like this. But there's nothing I can do about that now so I guess the bad will just always overshadow the good. Which is too bad all things considered, but I guess it's just how life plays out for us.

I love you...
Me