It's Been a Week of Crying in the Shower

Not gonna lie, 2020 still sucks. It's been a week of crying in the shower. I have talked to NO ONE. Literally NO ONE. I've gone social media silent. Friends are wondering if I'm alive. The only people that know what it going on in my life are my husband, myself, and the kids. Yes, he took it upon himself to tell the kids that their parents are getting a divorce, and that it was mutual [FYI I discovered the part about him telling them it was "mutual" a few weeks later]. 

I still have to work, and have been in Arizona getting ready to present seminars. I have had to get the presentations together, while dealing with this life-altering shock, and trying to take care of my daughter too. I have no friends down here. I just can't bring myself to believe that this is real, that he wants a divorce and we can't work through this. I have had to put on a brave face and pretend that I'm not completely broken.

But it is so hard right now. I cry all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. In the shower. Sitting on the floor of the closet. Sitting in my car. I am barely holding it together to be functional enough to do my job. Which I have to go and travel around Arizona and do for the next few days. So before I get a three day distraction from my life, here is where I'm at.

Husband and I have had several conversations... that usually involve me crying and him saying he just doesn't love me any more. I wish this would make me stop loving him, but it doesn't. Here's a few of the things that he has said, with (my response in parenthesis). All of the following re-created from notes I typed into my phone as it was happening:

You say that I never talk to you about us? (I TRIED. Multiple times. I asked about the future and where you saw us going. And what your plans were. And I never got an answer. I have tried for months to get you to tell me if we had a future. If I should give up on us).

You don't like how I've changed since we got married. (We were children when we got married. Literal babies. People change, marriages grow, you should want the other person to continue to grow). 

You say we've grown apart and that we don't have anything in common, or any shared interests [just wait a few weeks folks, this is going to come back around]. I won't go workout with you so therefore it means I don't want to spend any time with you or do things with you? (When was the last time you asked what I'd like to do? When was the last time you invited me to do anything with you? When have you done anything I wanted to do or gone anywhere I wanted to?) 

We don't do anything together? (Because we don't live in the same place right now. Holy fuck, how are we supposed to do anything together?!)

You say you're not happy. That you tried to make things better. (Well, I'm going to have to ask when and how you tried to make things better, because I'm not remembering these times). You need to be happy, and you can't see other people while you are still married to me. You never wanted to live in Hawaii. You are probably having a mid-life crisis. You're sorry that you ruined my plans. And that maybe in a year you'll realize that you were wrong and then who knows. [OMG, you did not just say this.]

And when I'm not staring at you face-to-face trying not to cry, here is more coherent version of what I wanted to say:

YOU NEVER SAID YOU WERE SO UNHAPPY. Why not? You're so depressed you can't get off the couch? Why haven't you gotten help?
Why don't you even want to try? Why does this divorce have to be so fast? Did you really fall out of love with me?

You asked me if I was happy? You asked me why would I want to stay married to someone who didn't want me? And here's my answer... because I love you. You are my past, my future, and everything in between. You are literally my entire life, and the dreams I had of a life together. I want so much to be loved by you. I want you to love me enough to fight for me, for us. I want it not be so easy for you to walk away.